- 2008
- Nov
- 15
Cost Cutting Rules in Office
To: All Employees
DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE
EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
- 2008
- Oct
- 17
Google hates me…
It looks like google hates me.. for some reason my PR seems to ge going down and down… I thought google liked blogs… Am I wrong??
- in General, Fun, Jokes
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- 2008
- Sep
- 12
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women… lol some men will love this..
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
- in General, Fun, Jokes
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- 2008
- Sep
- 12
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now……here’s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to pass it on to my more intelligent friends on the internet in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”).
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird.”
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. lol…
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- 2008
- Sep
- 3
20 crazy things people do to get Wi-Fi connections
In their quest to get Wi-Fi Internet connectivity, people have done some pretty desperate things over the years.
Then there’s a whole other level of desperation that comes while some people are searching for the almighty Wi-Fi access point. The evidence: an August 2008 survey of 300 remote employees who work on company-issued laptops.
The survey asked these road warriors: “What interesting or out of the ordinary things have you ever done to get connected to the Internet and/or company network, when working remotely?” Of the open-ended responses, here are the most noteworthy:
1. “Stolen Wi-Fi from a neighbor.”
Editor’s note: Nothing says “Howdy, Neighbor!” more than “I’m stealing your Wi-Fi!”
2. “Had to climb on my mother’s roof once. It was so fun. I actually saw a naked neighbor girl.”
Editor’s note: Is that considered a two-for-one?
3. “Drove 15 miles away from Old Faithful Geyser to achieve a complete Internet connection, due to static from Geyser emissions energy.”
Editor’s note: I hate it when that happens.
4. “Driven to the local coffee shop and purchased a muffin to use their wireless.”
Editor’s note: That seems reasonable.
5. “Gone to coffee shop without buying coffee.”
Editor’s note: Cheapskate!
6. “Had to ‘hack’ into a phone line at a hotel to get dial-up to work (many years ago).”
Editor’s note: Easy does it, Mitnick.
7. “I have plugged my laptop into a hospital Ethernet line because the wireless was down.”
Editor’s note: Glad it wasn’t the oxygen line.
8. “I have researched hotels that do not provide Internet but are nearby wireless hubs to get connection freely.”
Editor’s note: A little too much time on your hands, sir?
9. “Plugged into the back of a cash register.”
Editor’s note: Really? You can do that?
10. “I went up to the top of a mountain and worked for a week from a tent.”
Editor’s note: Grizzly Adams meets Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame).
11. “Turned someone’s TV antenna into a wireless internet antenna.”
Editor’s note: Now that’s talent.
12. “Logged into hotel conference rooms to get the connection for free.”
Editor’s note: Who hasn’t done that?!
13. “Paid for a cab ride while I worked on the Internet.”
Editor’s note: That seems a bit “unfare.”
14. “Plugged into electricity from the city of Seattle that was on a pole on the sidewalk, but only for a few minutes.”
Editor’s note: Well, as long as it was just for a few minutes.
15. “Held my laptop out a window to get the Wi-Fi next door so I could send an important e-mail.”
Editor’s note: Hope it was one of those rugged notebooks.
16. “Sat outside an airport for 4 hours so I could use the free wireless across the street.”
Editor’s note: Good thing her flight was delayed.
17. “I’ve done a lot of crazy things but I’ll never be able to admit it or I’d lose my dignity.”
Editor’s note: Tease.
18. “Moved throughout my home because of connection problems, I found myself sitting in a ducky chair in my toddler’s room because that is where I got the best connection.”
Editor’s note: That’s just quackers.
19. “Using dial up.”
Editor’s note: That’s desperate.
20. “I think a laundromat is the strangest one I ever hooked up to.”
Editor’s note: We agree.